Alarm at 5:45. Make 5 lunches, serve 5 breakfasts, feed the cat and the dog, make the coffee (sweet nectar of life), sign a permission slip, yell at some teenagers who are going to be late (again) for 1st period, sit through a couple of car lines only to realize I left the 2 preschoolers lunches in the fridge. At home. Oh, and at about the same time, the middle-schooler realizes he does not have his white binder, the one that has absolutely EVERYTHING in it that he needs. Back home, to hunt for binder and get the lunches. Somehow, I even managed to start a fight with my husband while retrieving these items. Over-achiever. That’s me. (I never found the binder, by the way. Turns out it was at school.)
I skipped the gym in favor of doing dishes and laundry, and taking a super-long, super-hot shower while I fumed about the morning. The shower was nice, but the fuming didn’t help so much.
Thankfully I already had a lunch date planned at Chik-Fil-A with my sweet friend who somehow just gets me, so that soothed my frazzled nerves a lot. Girlfriends are such a gift. Like a consolation prize from God once we realize what being a wife and mom really means. Girlfriends just understand what no man cares to and no child will until he/she is all grown up with a family of his/her own.
But even after that I just felt so defeated. Like all the stuff I know, all the stuff I read, all the stuff I’ve “learned” is just wasted on me, because I just can’t get it right. And I want to give up. Quit. Walk away. Stop trying so hard and just throw in the towel. And I try to remind myself of the truth… that I am chosen, and dearly loved… Even when I get it wrong. But honestly, I still just feel like a big failure so much of the time.
I still wear my bracelet. The one that reminds me to think on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy… But today what seemed true is that I will never ever in a million years be the woman I long to be. And more than anything, I feel discouraged.
I share this only because I don’t always have a neatly tied-up ending to my days. And you probably don’t either.
You are not alone.
We all feel like a failure sometimes. We all get tired of trying so hard to just stay stuck on this treadmill of life and feeling like we never make any progress.
It can be maddening.
I am sure there is a lesson on sanctification here, somewhere… but to tell you the truth, I am too tired to look for it. I just want to go to sleep and start anew tomorrow. Thank God for do-overs. We get one every morning.
Good night, my friends.